Look up from the Phone-Shut down the display-Live life the real way



This video is so powerful.


Weight Loss Success is not just in the numbers!

Success-Its not always in the numbers on the scale.

You have heard many of us talk about NSV-Non-Scale Victories

Yes it is true, you want to step on the scale and see numbers go down, its almost as if our minds are trained that when on any type of “diet” the numbers must go down consistently and fast. We forget in our minds years of how the numbers consistently went up and our size increase and how long it took to keep the weight on, but immediately we want the weight to come off-Sorry Folks-Its not going to happen. Hard work, dedication, sacrifices, and most of all time and patience are the keys to success. But lets look at success in different forms. The form of NSV-those that are forgotten yet so important.

I would love if everyone took a look at these question and ask yourself, are these a YES? If any come up YES..Guess what..You are being successful! The program is working, The diet is working, Your hard work is achieving results. (and this is a reminder for myself to-Because in times when I am feeling down and that this program is not working, I look to these and it happens)

1-Are your clothes fitting looser?

2-Do you have more energy?

3-Are you feeling cravings less or even none at all?

4-Are you sleeping better?

5-Is your skin clearing?

6-Are you able to move better?

7-Are you happy?

8-Do you receive compliments?

9-Has your mood changed?

10-Has your Significant other try to be more sexual with you?

11-Have you noticed body changes?

12-Has there been a difference in hormonal changes?

13-Do your shoes fit looser?

14-Are your measurements different?

15-Are your rings getting looser?

16-Do you feel less bloated?

17-Has any cramping or legs issues subsided?

18-Are headaches gone?

19-Does your hair or nails appear to be stronger?

20-Has there been any significant changes to blood test results?

21-Has your blood sugar been regulated?

22-Have you had to have a decrease in any medication?

23-Have you been handling stress better?

24-Have you had the desire to get up and move?

25-Have you been exercising?

26-Have you noticed changes?

27-Have you noticed your body smell different?

28-Have you noticed your TOM changing?

29-Have you have more sexual energy?

30-Has any Yeast infections cleared up?

31-Has your teeth been whiter?

32-has your friendships strengthen?

33-Have you had compliments that you are in good mood?



If any of these are yes-You are successful! Celebrate it-Don’t dwell on the fact the scale is moving slow, all these changes is yoru body moving FAST. This is a lot of changes happening. And I guarantee there are probably so many more changes that I haven’t listed.

Friends, Living, Questioning, Sewing

Last night was an unexpected surprise. I told you guys I was going to have dinner with my friend. I thought it was only going to be the two of them, turns out, it was more of a happy reunion. There were other friends of mine that I haven’t seen in months. It was a moment frozen in time, almost a dream. To be able to laugh, share stories, and have a night. Before I knew it, was almost midnight. We had to get going and we abruptly left. Martin was laughing so hard that his back turned into some intense pain, and I was just crashing in my normal exhaustion. Party time over, and back to the real world we came.

I don’t remember going to bed at all last night. I must have passed out as soon as I hit the sheets. I don’t even remember Martin coming into bed. But sure enough I am jolted awake this morning. Its Saturday, a beautiful day outside, and its going to be a busy day at work.

Martin had his x-rays last night before we went to dinner. I can’t believe how lucky he was to get them at no cost. If I knew of certain programs I would have went to the dr more often when I was unemployed. I am still trying to figure out how to get his meds, but at least we will have an answer on what the cause could potentionally be or at least a follow up.

While he was in the Dr office, I was reading a book. I wanted to actually share with you a passage in the book, the main character was sitting in a chair contemplating his life and something hit me so strong about the passages ……


“Do not ask the stones or the trees how to live; they cannot tell you; they do not have tongues; do not ask the wise man how to live, for if he knows, he will know he cannot tell you; if you would learn how to live do not ask the question; the answer is not in the question but in the answer, which is not in words; do not ask how to live, but, instead, proceed to do so.”

“I do not fully understand this saying, How, for example, can one proceed to do what one does not know how to do? The answer, I suspect, is that the belief is that one does, truly, in some way, know how to live, though one may not know that one knows. The knowledge is regarded as being somehow within one. Perhaps it is regarded as being somehow innate, or a functions of instincts. I do not know. The saying may also be interpreted as encouraging one to act, to behave, to do, and then in the acting, the doing , the behaving, to learn. These two interpretations of course are not incompatible. The child, one supposes, has the innate disposition, when a certain maturation level is attained, to struggle to its feet and walk, as it did to crawl, when an earlier level was attained, and yet It truly learns to crawl, and to walk, and then to run, only in the crawling, in the walking and running.

“The refrain ran through my mind “Do not ask how to live, but instead proceed to do so”


That refrain is running through my mind as well. I know my life I have always reflected and asked so many questions to the point that the questions will either hinder my decision, or in that quest for answers I am actually static.
I want to put this in the context of atkins as well. So many times I find myself asking How do I do this, how do I do this, instead of just doing. When it comes to weight loss, when it comes to taking control of my body, I know the answer-but I think it is the answer I don’t want to hear. The lazy person in me is constantly asking the questions in order to make this easier, simpler, quicker. We look for ways to speed up a process, and always asking how, how, how, how. Its one thing to ask information to make our lives easier and better, its totally another thing to ask for information because we are not doing the things we need to do.

I know for one I am not exercising. I do every now and then. I will put on my biggest loser Game, and my dance game, and get that burst of energy to move. Exercising consistently is the sure fire way to burn calories. It is the way to tone, lean up, and speed up my metabolism, it is the challenge that I am finding the motivational slump in doing. Yet I will ask how to do this, how to do that..when I know how to do it. I have the answers, it is now LIVING! That is the key.

This saying probably goes into so many other facets of my life.

My dreams, my goals, my desires. I have the keys in front of me to do those very things I want to do. But I am not living it, I am too busy asking.

I was given a task. For me, I enjoy learning something new, creating, and being able to accomplish something. However I also get easily defeated, and if left on my own, I will purposely fail everything and anything that I do. Its my constant self sabatoging of myself. So every now and then Martin puts me up to tasks. Things that will benefit myself, benefit him, benefit each other as a couple, while accomplishing and learning a life lesson.

I have a task along with a date. By June 1 I need to have made myself a dress. To some that may sound so simple. I have never in my life learned how to sew. The thought of picking up a needle and thread, or even using a sewing machine scares me. I give myself such high expectations, when all he is looking for is a simple garment. He is giving me 2 months time because he knows that for me it will not just be a one time piece. I will learn, study, create, explore. I will be testing different patterns and processes and stitches, which in a sense is self learning. I will be educating myself with a goal in mind and a process in mind. I already have a new sewing machine that was given to me by my Mom, it was my late grandmas that just sat in the closet still in the box. Yes it is a small mini hobby type machine, but it is enough to do stitches without hand sewing. But for me it will be a mixture of hand, machine, and learning.

I am to make myself a dress. I could make it as simple or as complex as needed. No pressure, just the learning experience. In my quest for perfection which is never obtainable but always strived, I can honestly say to myself, I am learning to live. This will be one of those skills that all my life I have wanted to learn, but never had the motivational or help to do so. Now the help was so simple, a little push, and a little goal, a time frame, and the encouragement from a loved one, to do the very thing he wants, while I experience it for myself, and the end product, well is hopefully not only a sexy dress, but also skills that I can use for the rest of my life.

Wish me luck on this endeavor. Like I said for some may be a simple little task, but for me, it’s a big deal, and it is going to be so exciting to learn! More to come on that later….

Its been a few days since I have been writing. Part of the reason is I have been rather down lately. Ok that is an exaggeration, lets just say that anger and tears were streaming from my face with no reason as to why. Well maybe stress is getting to me, but part of me is thinking my TOM is approaching, but it can very well be a skipping month again. Maybe I am getting the hormonal emotionalism, or maybe I will be getting it soon. Who knows.
So Lets talk a little bit about what is stressing me out and maybe this can somewhat explain my moodiness.
We will start with me first. I am quite scared about a growth on my neck. I went for a sonogram and well it came back with something. I have scheduled with a thyroid/lymph node specialist, who is going to study this even more. Today of all days it actually is throbbing and protruding. Something is going on in my neck, and because of the placement of this growth it could be effecting my balance which can explain why I have been getting dizzy spells lately. More on that on Tuesday after my appointment. I am grateful I finally got health insurance.
Now lets go to Martin. He has severe pain in his back accompanied by coughing fits. He coughs and it feels like a knife going through his back. He on the other hand does not have health insurance. He was able to go to a federally funded clinic, only cost $15 to see a doctor and get prescriptions and referrals. But the problem is who has the money to pay for his medicine. They wanted to give him cough medicine with codeine to ease the intensity of the coughing, along with pain meds and anti inflammatory for his back. I can’t get his medicine. It will cost $175 to fill all three, I don’t have the money, we don’t have the money. It breaks my heart so what I did was go into my medicine stash to see what I have for him. I have an anti inflammatory,a nd I only have a little bit of cough medicine left to get him past a few days, but that is it. I barely have enough. I think I am going to try to get him on immediate medicaid or something, but I have to go to the Medicaid office. I don’t know what to do. But my fears spread more about his health then my own health. In my head I am thinking the worst. I think he has lung cancer, or he has gall bladder disease, or something is going on. What would cause the pain, what would cause the cough???
It just breaks my heart that I can’t give him the medical attention that he needs….
So has enough stress been added to my life? No..lets talk a little bit about work. Always bull shit happening at work, but at least I can say I am getting things done. I am actually in the process of looking for another job, perhaps I can find something else. But in the mean time, work is my priority.
Aside from the issue with my neck, I too am also getting back pain too. But my pain is strictly from lifting heavy boxes and packing out for the last few days. I have been doing freezer work and I think the frozen food, the heavy boxes, and the chill has really done a number on my back. I have an excuse for back pain, Martin does not-that’s what makes me even more worried.
There is a slight stall right now. Which is even more reasons I think I am getting my period. I am eating very well, on track, low carb, healthy food, I am proud of myself that I am staying away from the shit. So kudos to me especially for keeping up even in stressful times.
So hopefully I haven’t depressed the hell out of everyone but I do hope it somehow explains where my mind has been and how distant I have become. I have been trying to keep up with others blogs and offer inspiration and motivation. That’s one thing that makes me feel better is when I can make others feel better. It goes back to constantly being a people pleaser. To know that I can help be useful or motivate another is so rewarding for me.
Speaking of people pleasing. I know this is not going to be something that most will understand. But Martin and I developed a new couple ritual. It’s a special way I greet him with a good morning every morning. Yes it may seem silly. Since the day we met, he always woke up with a smile and says “good morning Beautiful” to me. I take for granted not only the message, but the ritualistic and consistency of what he is doing. It is his way of getting out of the life, and just to focus on the two of us at that very moment. Now I have one in which I do for him in return. A special way to stop focus on him, and greet him. I am really feeling good about it, and because I too am now consistently giving him back a greeting he has always done for me, it now becomes our morning ritual. And you know something-It makes not only me happy, but him as well.

Food Orgasms…Chicken Vs Egg

will be the one to admit it. Food Orgasms. Sometimes they are better then the real thing. Require so much less effort. Last night was no exception.

I went out for dinner. It was a nice to be able to get out and go to a restaurant. You may laugh that the restaurant of choice was Ruby Tuesday, but I actually had the salad bar in mind. On the menu I ordered steak and lobster tail, along with steamed broccoli. All I can say is FOOD ORGASM.

I don’t know what came over me. Dipping the lobster tail piece by piece in the hot melted sweet and salty butter, I couldn’t help but close my eyes and let out a long sigh. It was like heaven in my mouth and that moment was complete euphoria. Martin was sitting across the table all smiles. For him to see me happy, makes me happy. Just like he wrote on the white board…”your smile makes my day”…and I wrote your happiness makes my day. 
It wasn’t sex (well of course that came later), but it was the food that brought me to feel that sensual pleasure.

Martin was so cute, he gave me his lobster tail I was spoiled, in a way I felt bad but it was soo good. Then well not to give too much information that evening was AMAZING! We had fun later on. J so it was all good!!!!!

I ask myself is this a healthy way of diverting my addiction. I was starting to analyze how i look at food, and i realize that food is wired to my sensory pleasure receptors. There were two things that happened today, that completely had me question about how i still look to food.

I went mall shopping with Martin, we ended up going into Spencers-one of my favorite stores. I love when we both point out things we like and just exchange stories and what not. But he pointed to an item on the shelf, and said “look at that”…immediately i almost drooled as i was saying…Mmmmmm Brownies. On the shelf was a package of marijuana brownies, and i am laughing as they are hemp laced brownies, and figured that would be treat for a stoner.
The problem was…that wasn’t what he was pointing at..but my mind immediately went to the food. What he was actually pointing at was the Duck Dynasty Si doll that they had on display. We both love Duck Dynasty.

It was as if my mind completely blanked out the DD doll, and instead focused on the brownies.

The second incident was simply passing a table of girl scouts..Immediately I said..”ooo can we buy cookies?”  it was instinctive, it was like a reflex..girl scouts=cookies.  He looked at me..”what for?”…I stopped for a moment and thought about it. Yeah, thats right..What for. There is no reason to buy cookies, he is not going to eat them. (Martin hates sweets) and I am not going to eat them, so there was no reason to even buy it. But i realize that i am equating food with everything, that food is a habit, and an obsession.

I am thinking that is the key to this all. In order to be successful, i have to find that pleasure addictive connection. By stopping that cycle. I am hoping that i can conquer this…

Health Issue-The commonality among addicts-Chicken vs Egg

Here me out for a moment, because I am trying to figure out something. I will explain why I am asking this, but I am trying to figure out something I want to call it a the Chicken vs Egg syndrome.

What happens first, is it the mental & physical instability that causes the weight gain/addiction? Or is it the consequences of being overweight that causes those mental & physical instabilities?? (which causes what?)

I ask this because many times I read blogs, hear stories, look at peoples histories and medical ailments and there is a pattern among them. It’s a long list of health issues, mental issues, and personal issues.

Today I went to the Dr, for the first time in a few years. I finally got health insurance again. I needed a badly needed check up and a physical. Today was more of a preliminary as blood tests, and other tests are going to be drawn over the next few weeks. Going through my medical history, and individual counseling health history, it makes me wonder, wow…how bad did this happen,  how bad have I become?

The first test I am going for is a thyroid exam. In fact I am going for it tomorrow. Remember I was complaining about tooth issues and the pain, well I get swelling that juts out of my neck every now and then. I think about excuses. There are people who make medical excuses for sheer laziness of their weight issues. Then there are those who genuinely have a problem.

My Dr asked me if I exercise. My answer is No…she asked me “why?” I told her, no excuses, sheer laziness and I was being honest. There is no reason I don’t exercise except my own lack of will power.

My mom has a history of thyroid issues. Part of me is saying that if I had a thyroid issue that it would be the reasons of so many things. That would explain why it is so hard to lose, that would explain why my whole life I have always been fat. But if that is the case, does that mean I fall into line with those with a string of medical issues? Will I be the one who has to live her life on pills, medications, and supplements in order to function “normal” or should I say function as society expects us to function. (yes I know some how this is going to offend people who utilize medications for everything)…

But the point I am trying to make is, I was lucky that all of life’s answers is not found in a pill, but the question is…should pills have been my path to begin with?

I am going to find out tomorrow, or at least after a series of test what is going on with my neck. As of right now I had to take some pain meds, and slowly feeling the dizzing effects of sleepiness. Its past midnight, and it is time to go to sleep.

So I ask this final question…..

What came first..the fatness, or the medical issues? Or is it the medical issues which caused the fatness? I guess we will just have to ask the chicken….

St Patrick’s Day

So today was St Patricks day. Truthfully I don’t even know the actual meaning or story behind the holiday, but I do have a story of my own. The story of last year what happened on st patricks day.

We will start with a shortened version of a car story that can go on and on, but lets just say St Patricks day I went to a dealership, traded in a car that I only had 1 day to legally do anything with, and drove out with a brand new car. That is simplifying the story tremendously. Lets just say the key word in all of it is legally.

I drove to my mom’s house, with a brand new car. My job for that evening, was to take care of my grandma. My family was going off to a St patricks day party. Dinner, Dancing, drinking, having a blast. It was the first real party they were going to since my grandma was diagnosed with cancer. (lets back track for a moment)  January 2013, we take my grandma to foxwoods. A casino that she loved to play bingo and slots. The trip was an overnight in the hotel. We had a great time. My grandma had alzheimers and dementia, but she was healthy and vibrant. She was always vibrant.  Anyway, we come home and she was complaining of being slightly constipated not being able to go to the bathroom. Then the next day, she is complaining of stomach pains, well when an older woman starts to complain its time to take to the dr. Taking her to the hospital, the diagnosis is one that is shocking, Stage 4 cancer, with possibly 3 months to live…WHAT????? Impossible. She was fine, walking around, vibrant, alive, and they are saying 3 months to live..How can that be, especially since she never had any type of cancer or any inclination to it.

From there, between the end of Jan-to March 17th, I watched my grandma die. It wasn’t just a slow painful death, it was watching a persons body shut down completely. From being able to walk. To slowing down, to being bedridden, from having a conversation, to mumbling, to talking baby talk..to eatinig normal, to spoonfeeding, to starvation.

Lets go back to March 17th. I bring home my brand new car, and kiss my mother as she goes off to the party. I kept telling them have a good time, don’t worry about anything. They didn’t want to go. They wanted to stay home. Go-have a good time.

I was with Martin, and as they finally left, Martin and I was baby sitting. He had his computer game, I had my lap top with me, we were fine. My grandma refused to eat, but she was awake, didn’t really say anything.

Then it was me. I started getting very sick, very dizzy, headache. I went to the bathroom and started  to vomit. I was feeling so sick for no reason at all. Martin was concerned, told me to go take a nap. I looked to him-please watch my grandma. He was fine with that. I laid down.

Martin did his thing, but he went outside to go have a cigarette. It was that time that my grandma did the very thing she suffered for 3 months, and that was she died alone. She specifically waited until all of us, including Martin who was but smoking a cigarette outside for a few moments, she waited to die where no one was with her. Either a gift to us all…or it’s the epitome of how she lived her life. ALONE.

Martin knocked on the door to my bed room, woke me up, and I remember him just saying “She’s Passed” I was in shock for a moment. Did it just happen.

I went over to her body. Stiff, lifeless, hard. I can’t describe it. I would expect it to be like a person who is alive and sleeping, but there really is a rigidness when someone dies. He checked her heart, but I knew she was dead. Martin was EMS for over 10 years, he knows when someone is dead. AT the same time, if there was any hope he could have easily revived her. At this point-there was no hope. She passed, she died. Died on St Patricks day.

That’s how I will remember St Patricks day, losing my grandma. Just as I will remember thanksgiving of losing my father. I know I have yet to properly grieve her death if there is even a proper way to grieve. But this was sharing my story of what happened last year. My grandma died.

Strangely though, as I am writing this, talking about how sick I was, its ironic, that I am sick tonight as well. I feel like I am running a fever but my body temperature is actually a little low. I am completely flushed, and just feeling very weak, dizzy and drained. All Martin wants me to do is rest, all he wants me to do is sleep. He says I need it, I know I need it, but in a strange way, I almost feel like today of all nights, I don’t want to go to sleep, because if I do…who else will I lose?

I must get some rest, I have a very long day ahead of me tomorrow, and I was not feeling well at all today at work, I don’t want another day of working as I did today, but I might have no choice.

I know not the upbeat post, but I do want to wish everyone a happy, fun filled, safe st patricks day.